Lyric Explains it All! We’ve launched an ongoing Sex and Relationship Advice column by the one and only Lyric Seal. Comment below or email your questions to listentolyric@gmail.com and they’ll be answered in the next post!
I’ve dated this person for two years and they are fucking awesome! Like, it has never been fucked up, our sex is hot and dirty, they are also a sick and disabled queer freak, and they show up for me so good and show up for themself too. For a chunk of the two years, we both had primary partners and we were each other’s sweet, deep thing on the side. I dumped my partner last year; they’re still primaried with their boo (who is awesome) and right around our second anniversary, I got hit with an oh-shit about, I really like this person! And I’m feeling kinda opened up and safe being vulnerable! And I think I want more!
Right now, we talk for hours when we talk, but it’s not on a set schedule — it’s whenever we both have the spoons, but right now it can be a couple times a week, or not at all if we’re both sick, but we text. We see each other ditto when it works out for us time and money-wise, maybe 3 times a year.
Thing is, I dunno if there’s room in their life for more, because they need a lot of solo time and they also have a primary boo who lives in their city. And I’m scared to even bring it up because what if the answer is “no” and I wreck everything?
I don’t want to live with them or anything, but I’m gonna be making a decision about where to live in the next few, and I’ve thought about moving to a city that is closer to them and maybe we could try to see each other in person more often, like maybe once a month? Agh vulnerability… It was so much easier when they were more of a side dish and I felt great with whatever! Help me deal with my fear of my femme need, vulnerability and rejection! I think even though I am grateful as hell to not be with my ex, this is the first time I’ve felt real sugared out on someone since I broke up and it’s vulns.
– Hard Femme Gets the Vulns
Beautiful vulnsy-hard femme!
I think you already know this, but chances are if it’s always been sweet and deep, you won’t wreck anything by being honest. Think about what you are really trying to say, and rep that to the fullest. Try to feel proud and calm about what you’re really asking.
It’s really understandable to get anxious about how you fear your desires or needs will be perceived. So ask yourself, am I asking to move in with this person? No. Am I asking that they dump their primary boo and choose me instead? No. Am I asking that they sacrifice their physical and psychic well being to make room for me? No? Then there’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey, I’ve loved/liked you for a long time, and it feels still so real and so good and maybe even realer and better than ever. Mind if I keep doing that closer to you?”
If you have other reasons for moving to where you’re moving to, tell them that too! It’s vulnerable to ask for what you want and to talk about what you hope for. No matter what, I bet this person you like a whole lot, and who you seem to trust too, will have a compassionate, and likely exciting and relieving response.
Congrats on feeling sugared out on someone post break up with the primary boo. It’s important to let yourself feel that and be real about those feelings no matter what. Milestones. And, not to lay it on thick, (I love thick) but moving is vulnerable in and of itself, so give yourself room for this to be a continually cutting open time!
What an adventure. Proud of you. You’ll do the right thing.
xo Lyric
You’re such a happy soul :) altho it’s unlikely our paths will ever physically cross… I always enjoy seeing what’s new and rad and inspiring thing you’re exploring. Now. Tell me how to get over a life time of indoctrination regarding sex? ;) Like cult Christianity religion indoctrination. To the extent of feeling like sex is rapey! Maybe there’s more to it than I know. But I’ve been with my husband 9 years and still struggle with it. Sometimes I wonder if it was just indoctrination or if more happened than I know (there’s been plenty to indicate that) but either way. Wonder what your perspective is on making peace and moving past. Do you think it’s important to face these things head on or do you feel there’s a reason why we “block” out? Maybe a lil heavy to start? ;) I’m guessing you don’t mind!
– MMW
MMW!
You’re right, I don’t mind. I think it’s important to treat any harmful experiences of religious indoctrination (not necessarily religion or spirituality itself although that’s for you to decide) as a kind of trauma. Not to mention other potential traumas you were alluding to. There is often more than we know, because nothing is too small of a hurt to leave an impression on a young person.
Relaxing into noticing what our triggers are and learning the language of our trauma and healing is a constant practice. Does the struggle you’re referring to go both ways, when you are asking for sex, and when you are being asked for sex by your partner? Does it feel like fear? Panic? Disgust? Excitement? Confusion? Anger? Shame?
It is always okay to pause before, during, or after sex and say, “How do I feel? Where is it coming from? What do I need?” And to ask your husband the same thing! I think that if you have a feeling there are things from your younger years that you would like to process, finding a therapist, support group, somatic therapy, meditation practice, or even a counseling hotline are all great steps to take.
I do believe that there is a reason we block things out: to help us cope and to survive through whatever is making us feel unsafe or unstable. If you feel like you are in a safer, more stable place in your life where you would like to make peace and move on, then chances are you have to ask yourself what the crux of your fear is.
My therapist calls our deep-seated issues our “babies.” And so we need to treat these issues with the love, compassion, tenderness, and patience we would show towards a baby. There is no rush! You are doing so well.
Start by talking with your husband, and then seeing if talking to a counselor might be something you want to do. Do you like to write or draw or scrapbook? It could be good to map a journey with this dis-indoctrination and facing of feelings of fear or shame surrounding sex. Note breakthroughs, revelations, and new/old feelings, no matter how small.
We are all unlearning something. It is painful and it is also miraculous. Listen to yourself. I promise, even though things will be a little scary for a time, you will find peace, in bigger and bigger pieces. And the sex will get better and better. ;)
xo Lyric
Ok my question is, how does one do something that can be construed as “hollering” respectfully? Like sometimes I want to tell a random woman something like, “the fabric of your skirt is really cute and the a-line is so flattering on you!” but I don’t want to presume to take someone’s time or be creepy.
– Gaines
Gaines!
It’s important that you don’t want to be creepy or presume to take someone’s time. Good God, the worst part is when someone wants me to stop moving just because they have had a revelation about my appearance.
Is it always “women” whose skirts you want to compliment? I think that if you are someone who is read as masculine, and even in general, there are, unfortunately, few forms of “hollering” respectfully. In fact I would recommend not hollering. If you don’t know the person, and you are not at an event at which speaking about the sensual facts of someone’s existence might be comfortable, then I would stick to complimenting the skirt and not how it flatters the person’s body.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t compliment each other’s bodies, but sometimes I don’t want to know that someone is thinking about the material or the cut or the heft or the lines of material against my body (not that I’m a woman). I know you are coming from a sweet place, so I think you have to just recognize that all compliments of strangers voiced aloud on the street are a risk to one extent or another. You could just try, “You look awesome!” Or, “I’m a fashion consultant and I adore that skirt.” Prefacing that you are an admiring artist and not just a sexually interested party could help your case. Ha.
xo Lyric
How can I eat pussy better? <3 - Genevieve
Use your whole mouth! Get into it! Listen well. Give and receive information. Treat the pussy like a dance partner. The idea is not to overcompensate, overimprovise, or freestyle completely to impress your partner. Get a groove going. Give room for call and response.
The pussy has five senses and more. Ask your partner what they like, and try to translate different versions of these steps. There’s nothing wrong with partner dancing, with structure that you can bend here. There is rhythm and melody, you are a harmony, and yes, there’s even room for a dramatic, arcing freestyle tongue solo, if it works.
