(laughter and chattering)

JULIE: Okay, I’m gonna do something weird.

OFF SCREEN: (Laughs) Yeah! Weird thing!

ALEXA: I love weird things.

JULIE: This is more complicated than I expected. Sorry.

OFF SCREEN: It’s been like… ten years since you’ve been here.

ALEXA: You’ve gotten all… fancy and pro. (Laughs)

OFFSCREEN: Gotta made it all special.

JULIE: Yeah.

ALEXA: Yeah. It’s your anniversary.

JULIE: I’m gonna try really hard to not kick anything this time.

ALEXA: – it’s your porniversary…

OFF SCREEN: Oh right, you kicked the camera.

JULIE: (laughing) So many times!

ALEXA: With those little converse.

JULIE: I was like, sorry, ya’ll are up in my business.

(All laughing)

[Cut to interview 00:45]

ALEXA: How did you enjoy the shoot today, love?

JULIE: [deep breath] Having all the feelings. Us…

ALEXA: Yeah.

JULIE: It’s really… I mean it’s really fun to get to have sex with you. I mean, a thing we normally do. (Laughing) and get to come and do that, and show people this thing. But it’s also, like, kind of nervous-making to wanna….. Because it’s so personal showing our… part of our life, you know, that it… I think I feel more, almost like, worried about …judgement? I dunno, something, you know, because it’s like, this is like my daily life, and showing it so there’s like a piece of that, that like whirrs around in my head right now. And this perfectionism where I’m like “Oh and what if I had done that thing or that other thing” and you know, all the things. And so… um it was really fun. It’s really cool to be back and doing this, and I feel really happy that you came with me, and wanted to share this, and wanted to do this together. And it feels great. How about you?

ALEXA: Yeah, I’m definitely feeling some of that perfectionism that you also mentioned, this like, “I wish I’d done this, and what about that thing, and oh it would have been hot if we this…” So you know those things are kind of plaguing my thoughts in some ways. But um, it was really good it was strangely less distracting than I expected just having people and cameras around. I felt a little bit nervous and a little but rushed, but mostly it just felt like we were fucking like normal.

JULIE: We always laugh about, like the ‘queer quickie’ and how we have a hard time understanding it existing.

ALEXA: (Laughs) That’s true.

JULIE: I’m like “Yeah, Quickie! It only took, like an hour. It should be fine right?” You know.. It’s kinda fun to try to, like, compress it down to like “No I swear I’m gonna get it this time.”

ALEXA:

JULIE: I think we did pretty well with condensing it. Still hitting that [?] Yeah, I had fun with you.

[Cuts to Julie on her knees in front of standing Alexa, wearing a strap-on.]

ALEXA: Oh yeah… your mascara is running really nicely today.

JULIE: (laughs) I wonder why…

[Julie sucks Alexa’s strap-on. Alexa grabs Julie’s hair and pulls them away from it. ]

ALEXA: Did I tell you you could have that?

[Julie gasps, breathes heavily. Alexa bends down while caressing Julie’s face.]

ALEXA: You’ll suck my cock when I’m ready for you.

[Slaps their cheek. Julie gasps and breathe’s heavy. Alexa slaps them again. Julie gasps and moans. Alexa slaps them again. Julie moans.]

ALEXA: [???]

JULIE: Thank you.

ALEXA: [???]

[cuts to interview]

ALEXA: Was there anything challenging for you about the shoot?

JULIE: We sort of talked about some of it. Yeah just like the different feeling of personalization I’ve felt before. And other than that, not really. It’s like great, and just like it’s so wonderful to get to trust you, and trust like, us together and so I’m just like, yeah, it’s okay, even though I get the pre-doing-the-thing jitters. Whew. Now that that’s done it’s kind of great. You? [laughs] Like how was it? Compared to what you might think, and, yeah, any challenges come up for you?

ALEXA: It was mostly really good. I did have a dick snafu, because I think we didn’t focus on tightening the harness down when you first helped me get into it, the dick was like, kinda sideways a little bit and I was like trying to fuck you… (Both laugh) it definitely felt like blooper reel material. If there had been a camera right under my crotch it would’ve been really great. Because it just, yeah, it was like, it wasn’t sitting straight onto my pelvis.

JULIE: It worked great for me.

ALEXA: Great, I’m really glad that I worked that out. Um, but there were a few times where I was like, trying to fuck you harder and I was like “Oh! Ahhh! Dick Malfunction!” [laughs]

JULIE: Happens to the best of us. Don’t worry.

[both laugh]

ALEXA: Thanks baby. You’re really nice.

JULIE: Don’t have to take pills or anything, it’s great. Just work it out.

ALEXA: Just tighten your harness. Everything’ll be fine.

[agreement]

ALEXA: No other than that it was great.

JULIE: Perfect.

[cuts to Alexa on top of julie, both moaning, Alexa sucking Julie’s nipples]

ALEXA: Open your mouth for me, girl.

[Julie opens her mouth, Alexa spits into their mouth.]

ALEXA: Keep that until I tell you.

[Julie moans, Alexa kisses her]

[cuts to interview]

JULIE: All right, you wanna get into the safer sex talk and what we do and don’t do.

ALEXA: Well it’s just reminding me of the first night when you were gonna spend the night and the whole conversation, the whole rant that you launched into, so I hope you can recreate that.

JULIE: (laughs) Oh lord, pressure.

ALEXA: I think it started with something like, “Well, I have dirty, sloppy sex with my partners, so, that’s how that goes.”

(both laugh and kiss)

JULIE: Oh god… It is still true.

ALEXA: Still true!

JULIE: Um, I mean, we have this rant back and forth in some ways but I think that safer sex is really important in some ways and in other ways I find that I’m just like “Woah” sex practices that people engage in are really wildly varying.

ALEXA: So it’s like completely irrational?

JULIE: Yeah like I see, sometimes I’ll be at parties and I’ll see people who’ll be really into like “Yeah, we’d better use gloves!” but then I’ll see them go down on people without, like, a dental dam. I’m like whaaaa~

ALEXA: It’s SO bananas.

JULIE: What did we just do? You know. And it’s like… (shakes head)

ALEXA: Yeah. How dangerous is my hand, in contrast to my mouth?

JULIE: Yeah, it kinda baffles me. So…yeah, I think that, you know, I generally really like having the talk in a very specific way. To have the STI sexual health safety sort of talk.

ALEXA: Can you like, model it?

JULIE: Yeah, okay. Here goes. Usually I’m like: “Soooo, this is when I was last tested, this is what I was tested for, these were the results of those tests. This is the kind of sex I have and with whom, and, this number of people.” Like, I don’t have to be like, “Yo it was with Nikki Smith” it’s not like that. (Alexa laughs) just like, these types of bodies and these types of acts and this is the, like, risks that you can imagine with me, and so, from there people get to choose their barrier level that they wanna engage in.

ALEXA: You’re pretty much down for whatever?

JULIE: Generally, um, you know, I’m pretty into de-shaming and de-stigmatizing STI’s and so that doesn’t usually feel like much of a barrier to me. Um, I think there are specific ones I worry more about. Usually HIV and Hep C, just because they’re harder to do treatment things with, but even that I, you know, it’s like a case by case thing on what I would do. And especially since I have a partner like you, consult you, and I feel like actually having someone else that I have to consider makes me think way harder about it. Because it’s not just my body but also your’s.

ALEXA: Yeah, that makes sense. I think there’s another element of it too that we often talk about –

JULIE: – Oh yeah, I get it –

ALEXA: Which is that, cum is hot.

JULIE: Ugh, it’s so true!

ALEXA: It’s fun to get cum all over you and in you. So, that’s complicated as well.

JULIE: It makes it really complicated (agreement) but it think this is like, y’know, one of the ongoing battles is how to find, like people who I feel good with and trust so that I can do that with because I’d much rather that than use a bunch of barriers. There’s something about barriers that aren’t like, aesthetically – oh my god, this sounds so bad. I am like… I feel like, ugh. Oh god. I feel… I would laugh at me.

ALEXA: You’re a ~bad~ queer. (laughs)

JULIE: I know, I’m a bad queer! It’s not that they’re uncomfortable, I’m not gonna go that route. But there is something like, Ii’m like, oh, y’know, yeah baby it’s just so natural if it – no.

(both laugh)

JULIE: There’s something about that… you know that I live in a world that is so, like, we’re so scared of each other and each other’s bodies that we have to put pieces of like, latex and plastic between us. There’s something about that that just hits me wrong. And like, I temper that with, like, the reality and wanting to like be… on it. So it’s definitely a tension in my head that I make up everyday and I just try to be really open and honest with people so we can all make or choices with what’s good for us.

ALEXA: Yeah, that makes sense. The only thing I wanna add um, is, that we definitely don’t use the words “clean” – we don’t use the word clean when you’re talking about sexual health because that’s a bullshit stigmatizing word that, um…

JULIE: I hate when people do that.

ALEXA: Ugh. It’s so irritating, like, people are like “Oh yeah I was tested last month and it was all clean.” I’m like “to hell with you.”

JULIE: ‘The fuck does that mean?

ALEXA: That’s not a good way to talk about this. Um, yeah.

JULIE: Chill.

ALEXA. Kay.

[Video cuts to sex footage. Alexa on her back while Julie fingers her. Alexa moans loudly]

Julie: Uh uh, uh uh. Five times you did that. …. Now may I?

Alexa: Yes girl… make me cum for you.

[Julie fingers her harder as she moans louder]
JULIE: Oh yeah… make a mess…

ALEXA: Oh god!! Oh fuck!!

[Moans of pleasure]

[Cuts back to interview]

JULIE: So… yeah. I’m gonna get you this time. (giggles) So, you know, this is your first time doing this thing.

ALEXA: Yeah! I made porn today!

JULIE: I’m gonna out you on camera. Yeah, that’s right. Um… why – like, how – what made you decide to do that? Like what was that process like and what are your reasons for doing this?

ALEXA: Hmm…oh, there’s sooo many different pieces to it. So (scoffs) I know, I’m a very complex person. I think part of it for me is that I am definitely an exhibitionist. I like people watching me have sex so that’s great, and now a lot more people are gonna watch me have sex.

JULIE: Cool! I like how earlier you were talking about it, we were talking about it at this party last night that… wow, so many people are gonna cum because of me. That’s great.

ALEXA: I know! Isn’t that fascinating? (Julie laughs) Like we are just handing out orgasms right and left.

JULIE: I hope so. Yeah.

ALEXA: I hope so too.

(both laugh)

JULIE: You’re welcome. (laughs) [???]

ALEXA: I was just thinking that. Um, so yeah, part of it is exhibitionism, part of it is curiosity and just like, wondering what this experience would be like, and wanting to share it with you. Um, and, y’know, sex work is a thing that I think a lot about because of my work in the domestic and sexual violence world and I think about… gender and violence and coercion and sex work and power and money and all this shit and I think it’s helpful for me to also have some of these experiences in order to inform my own, what have until now been intellectual ideas of what all of that means. So, it remains to be seen because of course I don’t have an answer for all of that right now because we just finished, but I do think that it gives me a tiny window — you and I have talked about how, like, it isn’t like I get to go around being like “yeah I’ve done sex work now, I’m so cool” I don’t wanna – I am pretty cool but not because of this. (both laugh) Um… but yeah I think I’m curious how it’ll relate to some of the other experiences that I have and like thoughts and beliefs about the world that I have. Yeah. And I really like fucking you and I like showing you off, I think you’re so amazing. (Smiles.) …. So, why did you do porn again?

JULIE: Whew….

ALEXA: Porniversary!

JULIE: Porniversary! Yeah, here we are. 10th anniversary next weekend.

ALEXA: That is so amazing. I want there to be a little picture of you –

JULIE: — then and now —

ALEXA: — between us right here that we can just hold and snuggle.

JULIE: Like go and hold a little award.

ALEXA: Yeah you fancy award winner.

JULIE: Anyway, point is… uh, you know it’s been strange, I think that like not doing porn anymore wasn’t like a choice, like “That’s not a thing I’m doing.” It’s just I got busy doing other things. So I think that through you having mutual friends – Calico and Valentine – shooting here, and then like talking with them about it and them being like “Oh yeah ya’ll should go do that … we love being at parties and seeing y’all have sex” (laughs) and them being like “Yeah we saw that episode of you from like so long ago.” So I think that encouragement was a motivating factor, and I think that doing porn would also specifically, for CrashPad I think anyway, has been a thing that is meaningful and cool to be like, woah, this thing that was just starting in some ways — and I think there’s just so much more queer porn now — to see that and think that I’m in some small way part of that. It feels really cool to get to come back and keep doing this. It still feels exciting to build this back into my life um… and it. I think really the part you said about getting to share it feels really important because this is a piece of my life in some ways. I think getting to share that with you is really — keep going and sharing our life feels really cool, and a way to, like, better understand each other. And I like showing you off, too, that’s pretty good.

ALEXA: (laughs) You little legacy CrashPad-er.

JULIE: (scoffs) Oh my gosh.

[Video cuts to ALEXA and JULIE in bed. Both making out and giggling, moaning]

ALEXA: God, you’re fucking hot.

[Cut back to interview]

JULIE: So yeah is there anything else you wanna talk about before we get out of here?

ALEXA: Um… I can’t help but be thinking about my family, who is is Washington State right now, at a Memorial for my aunt. Uhhhh…. And I chose to be here doing this with you (JULIE laughs) and I feel like kind of a shitty person, but also like it just felt like the right decision for us and for our life. But I’m happy that I wrote them a letter, I wrote them a long letter so my mom can share that with my family. But it’s just interesting to feel a little bit pulled in a different direction, and to like, to not have been able to tell my family – chosen not to tell my family what we were doing. But just to be like, we’re going on this trip, it’s important. Sorry. Um…. yeah, it’s an interesting split inside of me that is a fascinating thing to live with.

JULIE: Yeah I mean it seems interesting because like, normally, you might be able to say to your family “Oh, I’m going on this work trip and I’m doing this conference and this thing” like you might normally do for your job that like y’know in this case you can’t — you know…. If you say “I’m going for work” they’ll be like “Oh, what’re you doing?” and then we’re gonna be down the rabbit hole, and you either end up having to lie or —

ALEXA: — fabricate something and, yeah so rather than doing that I just was like “Aurora and I have planned this trip and it’s important and we’re gonna stick with it.” But yeah, it is this interesting tension, that I think I still feel and carry a little bit. Despite feeling good about our decision.

JULIE: I mean, you know, there’s still lots of stigma of this thing and it’s real. Now it’s part of your life.

ALEXA: Yeah. And I also just think it’s kind of morbidly funny. (Both laugh) that this is the choice that I made, like I feel kind of like an asshole in an awesome, weird way. I don’t know.
(Looks up) Hi, Auntie! Love you! Making you proud! (Both laugh)

JULIE: You’re amazing. I love you so much.

ALEXA: What about you? Is there anything else you wanna add?

JULIE: I dunno. I was like “Oh, I feel like I’m gonna ask you this question so I’d better be prepared to answer it.” (Both laugh)

ALEXA: Then I distracted you.

JULIE: [???] No, I just… I think I just feel really grateful this gets to be part of my life and a part of our life and i am so happy there gets to be porn that I actually…hmm… more fully enjoy. Because like ok. I’m not gonna go too far down this (ALEXA laughs) but like….

(Both laugh)

ALEXA: Tell people some things! What things do you like looking at on…

JULIE: NO I’m not gonna do that! I can’t do it.

(Both continue laughing)

JULIE: BUT it’s really funny, there’s like sometimes it’s almost like there’s two categories of porn. There’s porn that I actually like, really enjoy, like “Yeah that’s really great for me,” and… sometimes there’s other porn that I almost feel embarrassed to like… but does it for me sometimes almost because it’s terrible. (Laughs) And so it’s really good to have something to counterbalance that with. Something that I’m also part of making so I’m not just like, “Oh god… I just like this terrible, sometimes trashy things I can’t help myself.” Um, and so yeah.

It feels really both embarrassing to admit that there’s some split there inside of myself, like, but also really cool then I get to like be part of making something else that is actually like “Yeah, I wanna sit down and like look at porn.” Like, fuck yeah. Like it needs to be hot for me to see — especially as a trans person to get a chance to have my body in porn and not have anybody be weird about that, y’know. Other types of porn that I’ve done in the past, sometimes people are SUPER weird about it.

ALEXA: Like, it gets fetishized or…

JULIE: Yeah! And especially because, like, we don’t control our images post-anything. Sometimes I’ve had people take photos for one site and then they end up somewhere else. And that’s been really…. Not fun. So it’s really cool to actually get to do this in a space that’s not just okay with my body but specifically positive about it, and to get to show and have that to make lots of people feel super rad and to like get to participate feels really good.

ALEXA: So good.

JULIE: And get to hang out with you.

ALEXA: Thank you love.

JULIE: [???]

ALEXA: Me too.

JULIE: Thanks for doing this.