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Ask Lyric: Disability, Gender, and Erotic Self-Esteem

Lyric Seal Sex and Relationship Advice Slumber Party at Lyric CrashPad Indie Queer Porn

Lyric Explains it All! We’ve launched an ongoing Sex and Relationship Advice column by the one and only Lyric Seal. Comment below or email your questions to listentolyric@gmail.com and they’ll be answered in the next post! Read Lyric’s past posts, on Ask Lyric: Clit Sensitivity and Rebuilding Sexuality, Being Vulnerable, Religious Indoctrination, and Respectful Hollering and Maintaining the Mystery.

Dear Lyric,

I’m a disabled AFAB genderqueer, who, among other things, got diagnosed with CFS/ME. This illness is quite disabling and affects energy levels, plus it can easily became more severe if one does excessive efforts (those usually lead to a delayed reaction, so pacing must be done and it’s not easy to know when an effort will be too much). I’m still trying to figure out how will I go about having sex with these issues, trying to come to terms with sex having to be a lot calmer and lower rhythm than just two years ago, and specially trying to figure out how to find partners that are ok with it (and me not feeling like I’m a deception for sex not being as energetic as they, and I, would like it to be). I was already struggling with my dysphoria, being closeted as genderqueer in a small community with majority of cis lesbians. I’m not monogamous and just want occasional encounters, difficult as it is here. How can I go about rebuilding a sexuality as a disabled transgender person and finding the right kind of sexual partners, recovering my erotic self-esteem, etc?

I always read you, love your wisdom and cheerfulness! Thanks for being here for us!

— Keerky

Keerky!

Mmmmmmm! Such thought for food. I’m proud of you for asking yourself those questions, and thank you for sharing them with me.

First, a meditation and reminder: we are rebuilding a home for our sexuality, or even just our sensuality and hope for moments of embodied satisfaction and pleasure, our whole damn lives. Remember that you are not behind. You are doing the work, and you are worth it.

Every time our body changes, it is something to contend with and adjust to. Having a body which is marginalized early on, experiencing dysphoria for multiple layering reasons, having our bodies change or become disabled in new or different ways as adults — what a learning curve!

Our society tells us to fight our changing bodies, to mask illness or aging or fatigue. I am glad you are asking the questions which show already that you are on a path towards loving and accepting the new ways, speeds, rhythms, and intensities at which you need to move in order to feel good and use the beautiful energy that you have well.

I know that, personally, when I get used to one difficulty, nuance, complication, limitation, or function of my disability and body, it is really rough for a little while when I have a new injury, or when I notice that certain activities fatigue me more than they used to. For instance, I have a strong right arm, but my wrist and fingers have a tendency to cramp, atrophy, and spasm. This means that while I can marathon jack, I can’t necessarily marathon fuck with my fingers or hand. This was not something that I knew how to talk about without taking time with casual hookups, so mostly bottomed in those situations.

I didn’t start really communicating thoroughly about what kind of sex I can and like to have, or like to imagine I’m having while my body does things a little differently, until I started performing in porn. For me, porn was an attack on my disassociation from my lived experience. The other aid, was writing. Writing my sexuality out. Dialoguing. Draw a new map of your body for yourself. You can never do this too many times. You know what can be a really wonderful way to engage casual non-monogamous dates about your desires, what you can do and can’t do, what you would like to say you are doing while meanwhile your mortal body does a beautiful translation of these words? Sexting.

Sexting with my now primary partner and deep love, while we were still casually dating, taught me soooo much about my own sexuality, how it ebbs and flows, how my gender changes, how my body works and what will make it not work, and how to communicate this to another person, no matter our level of intimacy. Thank you so much for the lovely things you said about my blog and my articulation! That is another aspect of words I would recommend: reading! Do like fairytales? Memoirs? At times that I have been most scared about my own body, possible foes, and the road ahead, I have picked an outfit that made me feel beautiful and safe, gone outside with a book with a weirdo hero in it, fact or fiction doesn’t matter, and imagined that I was getting on my horse and that I would live to look and learn and ride another day. You are brave. No matter what, you are brave. At the moment I am going to recommend Sex and Disability edited by Robert McGruer and Anna Mollow, Ring of Fire (zines or anthology) by ET Russian (fka Hellery Homosex), anything by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna Samarasinha ever, The End of San Francisco by Matthilda Bernstein Sycamore, Lessons in Taxidermy by Bee Lavender, Jazz by Toni Morrison (for one of the best descriptions of not being able to picture your own body having sex I’ve ever heard), Pride and Pain by Eli Clare, and on the changeable bodies in the fairytale world: Kissing the Witch: Old Tales in New Skins by Emma Donoghue and The Bloody Chamber by Angela Carter.

As you are navigating communicating lovingly, firmly, patiently, and accurately about yourself and your sexuality with new dates and lovers, make sure you are also carving out sexual time with you yourself and you. This can look like lying on whatever surface is comfortable with music and candles or strings lights and breathing into the nooks and crannies of yourself. This could sound like talking dirty to yourself. This could smell like taking off your own underwear and noticing, just noticing you and letting it turn you on.

Give yourself room to experiment and let others know that you are learning and relearning about your body and sexuality and how it all fits with new information you have about your gender and your disability and your desires. If they are worth having sex with, they will be willing to learn, even for a night, and they will probably even admit that they are learning about themselves too.

Don’t settle for less, even from a casual date. You can have a hot jerk off session without them, for real. You are never a deception. I know that as trans people and disabled people, we get used to hearing that we are not what somebody expected. But guess what? We are a beautiful surprise. And next time, they better get themselves ready.

The right kinds of sexual partners will not necessarily do everything right all at once, but will have room for their own growth. And they will ask questions, and they will listen. And chances are, they will have more than one body nuance of their own. I think that verbose and free and queerly used dating sites like OkCupid are great because you get to say a lot about yourself and read a lot about a person. I also wouldn’t rule out Tumblr flirting, or meeting someone at a really good party, at a museum, on the street. Chance occasional encounters are just that — chance and occasional — but don’t get discouraged! And don’t worry about limiting yourself by having high standards. Build your body love by writing and speaking and singing your truth to yourself and others and reading and listening to people that share your experience and an ethos and standards around how you want to be treated will follow! We need self-love, and we need standards for how we let others engage with us, we got magic to protect. Please come and visit me anytime, I’ll have more for you when you ask!

xo Lyric


Dear Lyric,
How do you most efficiently waste nonprofit hourly pay?

Please include the most mundane, infuriating-to-boss details should they ever find out.

Luv,
Another Overnight Shift Nonprofit Worker

Heat of the Night Worker!

I would recommend porn perusing, however I have a very real fear of sexual harassment charges, so I’m not really suggesting that. I can’t even visit my own blog at work. But! Perusing high erotic art is a close second and is, I would think, totally fine. In fact, change the desktop photo to something gay. My other suggestions are: write a comical blog documenting everything you do at work, including but not limited to, picking your nose, dancing on chairs, and sexting a cutie. Sexting. I also always recommend sexting. Also if you have a laptop you can totally look at porn. And take gratuitous selfies showing all the emotions of a graveyard shift worker. Call this artistic series, “faces in the heat of the night shift”. Also try to find Stephen King’s mailing or email address and write him solely from work, trying to engage him on the topic of his seminal short story collection: Night Shift. Introduce as many conspiracies theories as possible. Try to get him or his publicist to write you back at work.

xo Lyric



Dear Lyric,
What is sex? What. Is? Sex?
- Anonymous

Sexual Querent!

I don’t know. Sex is a cultural and societal concept that has been commodified and repackaged and sold as many different things. Some say sex is desire, some say sex is biological, some say sex is power. I believe that sex is a medium, an artistic, spiritual, and fleshy one, through which we can learn about ourselves and how we wish to be alive. Sex is not necessarily fucking, and you do not have to fuck frequently or ever at all to be a sexual person. Sex will not liberate us all by itself, because our own personal ethics, conduct, desire, dreams, and perspective.

Sex negativity is valid. Sex positivity is valid. The only thing we have to lose is shame. I think that no matter what sex is, shame is its melancholy, iconic, quiet, elusive, and incredibly important counterpart. Sex also might be Jennifer Lawrence. Or a dinosaur. Let me know if you find out!

xo Lyric


There are no questions in the lands of love and lust too narrow or too vast. Keep it coming babes! I’m listening. Comment below or email listentolyric@gmail.com to ask your questions! You can also contact via Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram (goodnightbeastly).

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Holidays are Awesome!

Pink-White-Holiday-2014
Wishing you happy holidays, and a bright and shining New Year from the gang at Pink & White Productions, PinkLabel.tv and CrashPadSeries.com!

- Shine Louise Houston (Founder/Director), Shae Voyeur (Co-Director), Shawn (Co-Producer/Editor), Jiz Lee (Online Marketing Director), Chris Lowrance (Web Developer), Liz (Accountant), Lex (Videographer), and Tristan Crane (Photographer).

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Our Favorite Things: NSFW Holiday Sex Toy Gift Guide

CrashPadSeries.com Holiday Gift Guide

If you haven’t noticed, we like to have a little fun here at the CrashPad. Performers often script their own scenes, and they also tend to bring their own toys, or pick out a toy from one of our retail sponsors.

Here’s a peek at TWELVE sexy toys that found their way to set this year, from BS Atelier’s colorful dildos to the Spareparts Sasha Harness, New York Toy Collective, all the Safer Sex Supplies we adore from Good Vibrations, and some kinky goods from the Stockroom. And lots, lots more!

1. CUFF LOVE

CrashPadSeries Audrey Doll Liliyana Winchester

Cuffs from Stockroom.com are featured in Episode 168: Audrey Doll & Liliyana Winchester.

2. FEMME COCK

CrashPad Cinnamon Maxxine and Cicatriz

The Outlaw Dildo makes an unforgettable appearance in Episode 169: Cinnamon Maxxine & Cicatriz.

3. TAKE IT TO ELEVEN

CrashPad Emma Claire and Golden Curlz

The Eleven Dildo, featured in Episode 171: Golden Curlz & Emma claire. See also, a glorious paring of Spareparts Jocque Harness and a realistic dildo.

4. TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN

CrashpadSeries Lyric Seal Joey Minx

Grab some Bondage Tape, featured in Episode 172: Lyric Seal & Joey Minx.

5. SHARING IS CARING

CrashpadSeries Vivi Marie Olivia Woods

Sharing really is caring when it comes to the Share Double Dildo, featured in Episode 174: Olivia Woods & Vivi Marie.

6. COVER YOUR EYES

CrashpadSeries Viceroy Indigo Bleu

With the eyes covered, other sensations become so, so much more. Blindfolds, rope, and other kinky toys are featured in Episode 175: Indigo & Viceroy.

7. HARNESS THE LOVE

harriette nyx holly belmont

The Sasha Harness from Spareparts is featured in Episode 177: Harriette Nyx & Holly Belmont.

8. JOCK COCK CUTE

crashpadseries chloe may scarlet faux

Cute overload!BS Atelier’s Sport Dildo is featured in Episode 179: Scarlet Faux and Chloe May.

9. PACKING HEAT

crashpadseries siouxie q ozreal

The Rainbow Dildo from BS Atelier is paired with The Betty from Velvet Nest Harness in Episode 180: Siouxsie Q & Ozrael. (P.S. Here’s a quick lesson on how to pack a cock under a skirt.

10. GOOD TIMES

crashpadseries denali winters jacques lefemme

More BS Atelier goodies are featured Episode 180: Denali Winter and Jacques LeFemme. (And then we created a meme!)

11. HOT DAMN!

crashpadseries robin lalonde cody Snow

We can’t get enough safer sex. This year we began asking performers in their Behind the Scenes Interviews to share their sexual health practices. Between a choice of barriers, testing, and communicated consensual sex, they’ve got it covered! Dental dams and Please Lubricant are represented in Episode 180: Cody Snow & Robin LaLonde.

12. MAGIC WAND? More like Magic Want!

crashpadseries chocolate chip tastee treasures

Our list would not be complete without the most popular sex toy at the CrashPad, the Magic Wand Vibrator. For folks who like it strong, the Magic Wand can’t be beat. And it’s versatile, too. Check out how Chocolate uses it to conduct vibrations through Tastee’s condom-covered silicone dildo. Good just felt even better! Episode 182: Chocolate Chip & Tastee Treastures.

Need more store suggestions? Get toys you love at sex-positive shops like… SheVibe, Feelmore 510, Early to Bed, Smitten Kitten, Good For Her, The Pleasure Chest, Come as You Are, SheBop, Sugar, Babeland, Good Vibrations, ASLAN Leather, Self Serve Toys, The Tool Shed, and Stockroom.

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Dream Scene Contest: Submit Your Queer Porn Script!

Dream Scene Crash Pad Series

CrashPadSeries and New York Toy Collective present “The Dream Scene” Contest. Tell us your dream porn and win the chance to see it shot live!

How to Enter:

You’ve got 300 words to tell us about your dream scene. All dream scenes should include the following:
1. A key
2. The use of the word “Dream” or “CrashPad”
3. Two Characters (Open casting.)
4. At least one of the following New York Toy Collective products:

Carter

Mason

Shilo

Love-Bumps

Carter

Mason

Shilo

Love Bumps

Make sure to provide background about each character and provide dialogue. Entries will be reviewed by CrashPadSeries.com and New York Toy Collective, with the top 5 scripts sent to our panel of rockstar judges: Tristan Taormino, Coyote Days, Sex Nerd Sandra, Sara Vibes, Tobi Hill-Meyer, and James Darling.

Using feedback from our judges, the winning script will be selected, and the scene will be cast and filmed by CrashPadSeries.com director Shine Louise Houston in late 2015. The winner will be eligible to receive a $500 stipend from New York Toy Collective towards a trip to San Francisco to be a guest on set and watch their dream scene shot. The winner and up to 2 runners up will be announced by February 14th, 2015. Questions? Email info@crashpadseries.com.

Deadline: January 1st 2015
UPDATE: New extended deadline: February 1st, 2015 (midnight PST)



INTERIOR, CrashPad

SCRIPT:
Fades to black.


By submitting your dream scene, you agree to contest rules and regulations..

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Ask Lyric: Clit Sensitivity, and Rebuilding Sexuality

Lyric Seal Sex and Relationship Advice Slumber Party at Lyric CrashPad Indie Queer Porn

Lyric Explains it All! We’ve launched an ongoing Sex and Relationship Advice column by the one and only Lyric Seal. Comment below or email your questions to listentolyric@gmail.com and they’ll be answered in the next post! Read Lyric’s past post, on Being Vulnerable, Religious Indoctrination, and Respectful Hollering and Maintaining the Mystery.

Dear Lyric,

I’m way too sensitive and don’t find oral sex or being touched on my clit/around my clit pleasurable at all (it really hurts!) is there any way i can reduce the sensitivity, since oral is something I fantasize about and I feel like I’m missing out on something.
- Sam

Sam!
Oh my dear Sam. First of all, I think it’s important to listen to our bodies, and to not allow the cries of FOMO (fear of missing out) to be louder than what our body is trying to tell us. If something hurts in a bad way, you are not missing out if you don’t do it. However! There are a lot of ways to engage with oral, and oral adjacent activities, with a super super sensitive clit. My boyfriend is very sensitive, and sometimes direct contact with my tongue on his cock, or too much pressure underneath where it attaches is painful. So I do a lot of fast licking on top and harder pressure around the sides. Sometimes I just rub my lips around it.

If you are very sensitive, adjacent contact, or even just the suggestion of contact, and can do wonders so experiment with wetness, breath, varying pressures, and closeness and distance. The great thing about a sensitive clit (or whatever one chooses to call it) is that a lot of indirect pressure or contact can get you off. With penetration, jerking off, or oral, focus on the bigger picture: THERE ARE NERVES EVERYWHERE.

Another cool thing is to imitate oral on different parts of the body — have your partner suck off your tongue, lick between your knuckles, tongue-fuck your collarbones, etc. Just like any kind of skin, the only ways there are to try to lessen sensitivity is to abuse it or expose it to harsh contact (desensitizing), and this is damaging! I don’t even know if it’s possible with the clitoris, so don’t try. It’s okay to be super sensitive! You just have more room to experiment. And I’ll bet you have a lot of fun discoveries in store.
xo Lyric

Dear Lyric,

How does one go about rebuilding their sexuality if they begin to feel detached from themselves as a sexual being?
- Anonymous

Brave Rebuilder!
You are already doing the work. Even a whisper of desire is the first step.

I think it’s important to think of yourself as the dependent variable and all other players and factors as independent variables. First, you must get to know the qualities and behaviors and desires of the dependent variable, to be able to properly observe and experience how other factors affect it. Develop a sensual/sexual practice with yourself.

This does not have to be something explicitly sexual at first, like masturbating, but could be something as seemingly innocuous and low impact as dancing by yourself in your room or in a closely covered wood. If you like dancing (or moving, don’t even call it dancing if this is too intense) to music, play music that makes you feel pleasant in your skin, this could grow to feel like sexy or aroused, but doesn’t have to be those things all at once. Just move in ways that make you feel good. Listen to and observe who you are, when you are not performing. When you are just being.

This body carries you through the world, and in return you must be kind to it and nourish it for it to do its best work. There are many ways a body can be malnourished. Feed yourself. Good food. Touch your skin. Experience music and weather and texture. Breathe deep. Move. Get your heart beating every day. Think about how you change and grow. The more you enjoy feeling alive, the more you listen to your body and tend to your wounds and feed your passion, the more you will be able to find a sensuality, and a sexuality that is authentic.

As you increase your moving and nourishing practice, add a mirror, look at that body. Make sounds. Listen to that body. Watch some porn ;). Watch things that are not porn but which also turn you on. It is totally legitimate to be an asexual person, or a demisexual person if that turns out to be the case. But intimacy with ourselves is important. If you have detached from yourself as a sexual being and wish to rebuild sexuality, start by building a living practice of relating to your own body. Sexuality is not just fucking. It is an energy. You still have it. Remember your body. Get to know it again.
xo Lyric


There are no questions in the lands of love and lust too narrow or too vast. Keep it coming babes! I’m listening. Comment below or email listentolyric@gmail.com to ask your questions! You can also contact via Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram (goodnightbeastly).

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