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SLUMBER PARTY with Lyric Seal: Long-Distance Life Partners, Facebook Break-ups, and Overcoming Difficulties Coming

Lyric Seal Sex and Relationship Advice Slumber Party at Lyric CrashPad Indie Queer Porn

Lyric Explains it All! We’ve launched an ongoing Sex and Relationship Advice column by the one and only Lyric Seal. Comment below or email your questions to listentolyric@gmail.com and they’ll be answered in the next post! Read Lyric’s past posts, on Ask Lyric: Clit Sensitivity and Rebuilding Sexuality, Being Vulnerable, Religious Indoctrination, and Respectful Hollering and Maintaining the Mystery.

Dear Lyric Seal,
I have a sense that you might have some insight into the challenges and joys of, yes, long distance relationships! How do you and your boyfriend cultivate a Partnership when, so often, it is physically impossible to touch or help one another with the daily doings of life? I have done a lot of long-distance casual dating and have found it to be a delightful practice, with all that loveliness of mail art and occasional visits, but nurturing a seriously committed romance amidst so much distance is really a different kind of project! How to transcend the false dichotomy of “we live in the same place” or “we break up/scale back”? How to manage the material reality that all of our “extra” time/money goes into our relationship, contributing to our respective financial hardships? What does one do when a relationship is so emotionally and magically fulfilling, yet persists in being HELLA stressful on a logistical level?
More than a year deep,
Albatross
xoxoxo

Albatross,

You asked me to anonymize you and I want to tell you why I have given you this name. Albatross, apparently already a popular hipster tattoo in the NW, potentially making any future tattoo my boyfriend and I want to get a woeful cliche, is a wonderful, beautiful bird that mates for life. But although this bird mates for life, this is where the familiarity of that story ends. Albatross maintain long term, long distance relationships. They are non-monagamous. They often fly for miles alone above the sea. For months. Then by some pre-agreed upon terms, or ultra-sensory means, they meet the love of their life in a nest at the top of tree. There they make home and nest with their lover, and again, they alight. Not only do they nest together but they meet on beaches to dance. Does this sound like you and your partner? The albatross wouldn’t dream of scaling back, or moving to the same town. They are each other’s homes.

I must admit something- my boyfriend and I are planning to be in the same geographic location in the foreseeable future. I’m moving to Seattle in summer 2016. This is the first time I’m saying it publicly! I never would have thought I would move there, and now I really like the idea. It ended up being more physically possible for me to move than my boyfriend, but it wasn’t until we relaxed, and stopped thinking that either one of us had to move, that the real possibilities were able to surface. However, we have another year of long distance to contend with, and also over a year under our belts. So you know I empathize. Honestly I think the most important thing is language. Speaking with love and gratitude about your relationship, as it is now, and not how it could be in the future. Never taking it for granted, or speaking with sweeping statements about the parts that are difficult. Cherishing it. And seeing it as real no matter what setting you are in. And phone sex. When you cannot touch one another, finding every opportunity possible to simulate TOUCHING one another is key.

My tips are:

  1. Include your lover on mundane aspects of your life. If you’re not a big texter, become an emailer. It is nice for your partner, however far, to feel like they are a part of your day to day life.
  2. Mix vacation with daily errands when you are having a visit, this helps ground your relationship, and makes both where you live, and where your partner lives, a real place that matters to both of you.
  3. Reiterate to one another that you are each other’s home, and that you are so so grateful to be with your partner, no matter the challenging circumstances.
  4. Do not censor yourself when you feel challenged by your situation. It is okay to say, I know we can do anything, but I miss you! I’m frustrated! I’m broke! Make plans with one another about how you can save money on your next trip, or walk the other one through something that is stressing them out over the phone.
  5. Personally, my boyfriend and I are a big fan of wallpapering our lives with photos of one another. It’s simple, and a little blush inducing, but it helps. And then everybody asks you how your hot partner’s doing! Even folks who haven’t met them yet!
  6. Share one day dreams with one another. Find out where your dreams align or diverge. Meditate on the task of being cognizant of the blessing you are in one another’s lives RIGHT NOW. You do not have to have completely planned out your trajectory together or apart for this to matter. My boyfriend and I used to feel like we had to include every possibility in how we spoke about our relationship, like, “Well if we’re together in a year…” or, “If we’re in the same place in five years…” or, “I don’t want to fall in love with someone in the same place as me, but I wouldn’t blame you if you did…” Let all that go! If you want magic, you have to believe in it. Your relationship is a suspension of doubt. And that has nothing to do with dichotomies, or typical relationship rules.
  7. Send each other erotica, both by other authors, and self written!
  8. Practice visioning, manifesting, and magic with one another. Create a place that you meet up when you cannot be together. My boyfriend and I do a lot of romantic walks on the Star Bridge, a place that a dear witch friend of my told me about. Tend to your magical place between worlds. When you get to be together, plant spells of love on one another’s skin.
  9. Your relationship is real, and you are not foolish.
  10. Things change. You might find yourself in the same place as one another one day, or you might not. If you don’t, it might not feel as stressful as it does now, you might feel that you have adapted in a different way to it. Or your financial situation may have changed. Or their living situation. You don’t have to give up just when it seems societally expected to give up. If it is a relationship that sustains and nourishes you and begs you to take it seriously, then take it seriously. You’ve got something good in your hands.

There’s more where that came from. It’s such a project. And try to be compassionate towards people that can’t help asking if one of you is going to move. Just answer them with something wonderful you two did when you together or together in a different way. Lots of couples that live together don’t get to see their partner in such a beautiful, exciting, miraculous way as those of us who have to spend sometimes months separated. As long as you still spoon, and still meet on the beach to dance, I’d say shared city be damned.

xo Lyric


Dear Lyric,
How does one break-up with someone online, when even our circles on the Internet are so intertwined? Advice on having space, over various different social platforms?
- Unfollower

Unfollower!
Ahh the Internet is so stressful, is it not? Sometimes I log on to Facebook with a hammering heart, hoping certain people will not have messaged me, or certain people will not be posting another griping, vitriolic status in all caps. If it is Facebook that concerns you, the first thing to do is unfriend. It’s understandable that you share friends and social circles with your ex. Especially if you are professionally or artistically intertwined, you’re going to see their words, if not their face, everywhere.

My first question is: are you on speaking terms with your ex-lover or ex-friend? If you are, but still need space, you might inform them that you are going to temporarily block them so that you don’t have to see their Facebook activity. You can do this on Instagram or Twitter as well. If there is someone who commonly tags you both in the same posts, as this person not to do this, or unfollow people who tend to post about or with your ex a lot. It’s not offensive to ask for space, and there are ways to do this that are kind, firm, and boundary setting. Your friends will understand!

If you and your ex are not on speaking terms, then still I would say block away! You can still warn them with a message, if you’re worried about it coming across as particularly hostile, but I’ve realized that blocking is not just for creeps and stalkers anymore. There are very few ways to set clear boundaries online, especially if you don’t want to do something detrimental and narcy like report their account, so sometimes blocking, hiding, or unfollowing are what you’ve got. Asking someone to not post to you, with you, or about you, works too, but blocking is solid, and can be undone when you feel more relaxed about sharing social media space!
xo Lyric



Dear Lyric,
My partner takes a very, very long time to climax. I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want to exacerbate the (known) issue, but long nights are wearing me out! What can we do to speed things up a little?
- Anonymous

Worn-out Wanker! My dear!

Okay first some questions to consider: Does your partner take as long a time to climax when they are jerking themselves off? If no, then ask them to touch themselves, and watch exactly what they do. It’s also not bad or unsexy to do a combination of fucking and mutual masturbation, if coming is the goal! If you come faster than your partner, they could masturbate or penetrate you until you come (whatever you like!) and then you can figure out something different for them! Coming at the same time should certainly never be expected although it’s magical when you can sync up your breathing enough so that it happens.

Does your partner like vibrators or vibrating butt plugs? Could adding either one of these things to mix make things come along nicely?

And please, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner! If you know it’s a sensitive issue, bring it up sensitively. But you getting worn out is also an access issue that has to do with your health and ability to present during sex. So please be honest with your partner about your needs, even if you’re afraid of hurting their feelings. There are so many things you two can try to help them come!

After you’ve considered all of this, my biggest tip, truly, is TEASING. Tease the fuck out of your partner before you even touch them. Make out for a long time. Breathe together. Read erotica. Tell each other a fantasy. Watch porn. Perform a strip tease. Make them watch you as you jerk off. Rub just the head or outside of whatever kinda sweet junk they have. Brush by them wet or hard or both. Wait until you have elicited some heavy breathing and deep groans of craving from them before you get on to the boning. I find that the more I am worked up before I actually have sex, the faster I come. I also come faster if I haven’t had sex for a day or two. So if you were feeling really nasty you could draw the teasing out for a whole day, but if you try that you might find yourself calling your own bluff.

xo Lyric


There are no questions in the lands of love and lust too narrow or too vast. Keep it coming babes! I’m listening. Comment below or email listentolyric@gmail.com to ask your questions! You can also contact via Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram (selkiesonthetide).

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Dream Scene Winner: Training Day!

Dream Scene Crash Pad Series

CrashPadSeries and New York Toy Collective have announced the winner of “The Dream Scene” Contest.

Congratulations to Treasure for the winning script, Training Day, to be cast and filmed by CrashPad director Shine Louise Houston in late 2015. Treasure is eligible to receive up to $500 travel stipend from New York Toy Collective towards a trip to San Francisco to be a guest on set and watch their dream scene filmed.

A special Honorable Mention goes to M.T.Richardson for Breaking In.

Thank you to our panel of rockstar judges: Tristan Taormino, Coyote Days, Sex Nerd Sandra, Sara Vibes, Tobi Hill-Meyer, and James Darling, who helped us narrow down the final round of submissions. Thank you to all our contestants. The number of great submissions made choosing a winner very, very hard.

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Ask Lyric: Satisfaction, Long Distance Love, and Introducing Consent.

Lyric Seal Sex and Relationship Advice Slumber Party at Lyric CrashPad Indie Queer Porn

Lyric Explains it All! We’ve launched an ongoing Sex and Relationship Advice column by the one and only Lyric Seal. Comment below or email your questions to listentolyric@gmail.com and they’ll be answered in the next post! Read Lyric’s past posts, on Ask Lyric: Clit Sensitivity and Rebuilding Sexuality, Being Vulnerable, Religious Indoctrination, and Respectful Hollering and Maintaining the Mystery.

Dear Lyric,

Do you think it is possible to be in love with a partner from whom you acknowledge cannot fully satisfy your sexual desires or needs?

— Lover

Lover!

Yes. There are many different voices of mine vying to answer this question. No one can ever tell you that it is not possible to be in love with someone, no matter what kind of love it is. One can be in love with their best friend, a beloved animal, a book, a backyard tree. One can definitely be in love with someone with whom they mutually satisfy sexual needs and desires, and one can be in love with someone with whom they do not have sex at all. I guess my other voices then, have questions for you. What is the other part of your query? Is this person a partner who wants to have sex with you, but with whom you no longer wish, or never did wish, to have sex? Are you partnered and non-monogamous? If this person cannot fully satisfy all your sexual needs and desires (this is often why people branch out into polyamory, in a totally sweet consensual and mutually agreed upon way), do they understand this, and is this a subject that is painful for them, or easy for them to understand? Do you satisfy their sexual needs and desires? My first answer to your question is yes. And the next answer is, if the current arrangement does not feel good to you or to them, then even if you are in love something needs to change. It is okay to be in love with someone, and to have a partnership not make sense, or to need to hone what partnership looks like to suit both of your needs! However, if you do feel good with your partner, then, yes, please goddess by all means of course it is possible to be in love with someone and be with someone who cannot satisfy all your sexual needs and desires. This is a large feat for many of us! People are iridescent creatures, how they move us or satisfy us, can change with light and time.

xo Lyric


Dear Lyric,
How to have unfinished romantic business and move forward with a big juicy brave heart? The one I love who is already 1500 miles away from me is moving overseas. I don’t have the money to go see him before he does, and vice versa. How can I go on? All I want to do is slink into a pool of blood and slime.
- Brave and Juicy

Brave and Juicy!

Oh my friend. To be honest, blood and slime can be quite great temporary homes for marination and reflection. I think you’re probably a creative person, has the slime produced any beautiful work yet? You are already juicy and brave and full of heart to want to attempt such a thing. You are already doing well. And you had someone who loves you and likely still does and you will in fact find love again, quicker and more mysteriously than you expected. The universe is sometimes careless and helpless, but it is also generous, and fecund with love. If you are not a restless sleeper, tuck pillows around your body at night. Hug yourself tight. Sing. It doesn’t matter the sound. Breathe. Read about love no matter the pangs it gives you at first. Write letters to your love if you want but remember as you write a love letter that you are also writing it to yourself. Believe in yourself. Smile when you think something/someone is pretty. I’m sorry. I empathize. I’m so glad you left some romantic business unfinished, because it never gets finished anyway. Give yourself room. You’re doing great.

xo Lyric



Dear Lyric,
How can I make it clear to cis boys I’m about to fuck that it’s really unsexy for me if they don’t ask for consent? I can’t tell you how little I’ve had cis boys actually ask this Q. I think there are plenty of ways to show your consent without being asked, and as sure as I am when I’m given those signs about what I want, as soon as they read my body or words it makes it easy for them. Which scares me. Do I really want it? Confusing.
- Consensual Contender

Consensual Contender!

Gosh, I empathize with the confusing experience of navigating the amorphous world of giving and receiving nonverbal consent in a hook up context. I wish that I had a fully formed, foolproof solution, but there are ways to establish a system and a practice for yourself of laying down the law in regards to your body, prior to a hook-up. Write down for yourself what you really like and what you might like. Establish for yourself what are delicate areas of your body. Remember that just because you tell someone they can handle one part of you, does not give them license to all of you! You get to have every say about how and when someone touches you! And you’re allowed to be confused sometimes! Since you are asking specifically about cis boys I imagine that either these are the folks you are looking to have sex with right now, or that they are some of the folks you have sex with and are simply the ones giving you the most trouble. I’m sorry. I get the feeling of not wanting to give away too much too quickly, especially with cis men and especially with a hook up — having someone you don’t necessarily trust feel self assured about how they can or do have access to your body can be really yucky, confusing, and triggering.

So! Let’s start with the environment that you’re fucking in. Do you feel safe there? Do you hook-up in your home or at parties? I think that controlling your environment if you have the ability to do so is a good first step, and if you cannot do that, controlling your substances. It is much, much easier to set clear boundaries with another person if both people are not inebriated. In fact I would argue it is almost impossible to set boundaries with someone you don’t know well if either of you are under the influence of anything. If this is someone you know well, that decision is entirely up to both of you. If you are feeling clear-headed and you feel comfortable in your surroundings, then I would start by verbalizing boundaries as soon as attention moves in a maybe sexy direction. This can be before you even make-out! Say to this person, “I would like to engage in some amount of sexy time with you, but I want to make it clear that no sexual act is guaranteed. I would like you to ask my permission for every way that you touch me. If you want a door to open, you need to knock first. I think asking each other is really hot. How do you like to be touched?”

I know that for some people, this will be the first time that they have ever been asked this or spoken to this way. If it blows their mind, so be it. If it kills the mood for them, then they are not worth it! Seriously. You feeling safe and sexy and listened to, is way more important than someone else getting off without checking in to make sure you feel good about what is happening. You are also allowed to change your mind at any time during any sexual act. I’ve been there, hooking up with people that don’t get what consent really feels like and it’s not a good look. Lose ‘em! Trust your instincts. If someone can’t get down with boundaries you set verbally prior to sex, then chances are they will cross your boundaries physically too. And sex without consent not only isn’t sexy, it’s not sex at all.

xo Lyric


There are no questions in the lands of love and lust too narrow or too vast. Keep it coming babes! I’m listening. Comment below or email listentolyric@gmail.com to ask your questions! You can also contact via Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram (selkiesonthetide).

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Ask Lyric: Disability, Gender, and Erotic Self-Esteem

Lyric Seal Sex and Relationship Advice Slumber Party at Lyric CrashPad Indie Queer Porn

Lyric Explains it All! We’ve launched an ongoing Sex and Relationship Advice column by the one and only Lyric Seal. Comment below or email your questions to listentolyric@gmail.com and they’ll be answered in the next post! Read Lyric’s past posts, on Ask Lyric: Clit Sensitivity and Rebuilding Sexuality, Being Vulnerable, Religious Indoctrination, and Respectful Hollering and Maintaining the Mystery.

Dear Lyric,

I’m a disabled AFAB genderqueer, who, among other things, got diagnosed with CFS/ME. This illness is quite disabling and affects energy levels, plus it can easily became more severe if one does excessive efforts (those usually lead to a delayed reaction, so pacing must be done and it’s not easy to know when an effort will be too much). I’m still trying to figure out how will I go about having sex with these issues, trying to come to terms with sex having to be a lot calmer and lower rhythm than just two years ago, and specially trying to figure out how to find partners that are ok with it (and me not feeling like I’m a deception for sex not being as energetic as they, and I, would like it to be). I was already struggling with my dysphoria, being closeted as genderqueer in a small community with majority of cis lesbians. I’m not monogamous and just want occasional encounters, difficult as it is here. How can I go about rebuilding a sexuality as a disabled transgender person and finding the right kind of sexual partners, recovering my erotic self-esteem, etc?

I always read you, love your wisdom and cheerfulness! Thanks for being here for us!

— Keerky

Keerky!

Mmmmmmm! Such thought for food. I’m proud of you for asking yourself those questions, and thank you for sharing them with me.

First, a meditation and reminder: we are rebuilding a home for our sexuality, or even just our sensuality and hope for moments of embodied satisfaction and pleasure, our whole damn lives. Remember that you are not behind. You are doing the work, and you are worth it.

Every time our body changes, it is something to contend with and adjust to. Having a body which is marginalized early on, experiencing dysphoria for multiple layering reasons, having our bodies change or become disabled in new or different ways as adults — what a learning curve!

Our society tells us to fight our changing bodies, to mask illness or aging or fatigue. I am glad you are asking the questions which show already that you are on a path towards loving and accepting the new ways, speeds, rhythms, and intensities at which you need to move in order to feel good and use the beautiful energy that you have well.

I know that, personally, when I get used to one difficulty, nuance, complication, limitation, or function of my disability and body, it is really rough for a little while when I have a new injury, or when I notice that certain activities fatigue me more than they used to. For instance, I have a strong right arm, but my wrist and fingers have a tendency to cramp, atrophy, and spasm. This means that while I can marathon jack, I can’t necessarily marathon fuck with my fingers or hand. This was not something that I knew how to talk about without taking time with casual hookups, so mostly bottomed in those situations.

I didn’t start really communicating thoroughly about what kind of sex I can and like to have, or like to imagine I’m having while my body does things a little differently, until I started performing in porn. For me, porn was an attack on my disassociation from my lived experience. The other aid, was writing. Writing my sexuality out. Dialoguing. Draw a new map of your body for yourself. You can never do this too many times. You know what can be a really wonderful way to engage casual non-monogamous dates about your desires, what you can do and can’t do, what you would like to say you are doing while meanwhile your mortal body does a beautiful translation of these words? Sexting.

Sexting with my now primary partner and deep love, while we were still casually dating, taught me soooo much about my own sexuality, how it ebbs and flows, how my gender changes, how my body works and what will make it not work, and how to communicate this to another person, no matter our level of intimacy. Thank you so much for the lovely things you said about my blog and my articulation! That is another aspect of words I would recommend: reading! Do like fairytales? Memoirs? At times that I have been most scared about my own body, possible foes, and the road ahead, I have picked an outfit that made me feel beautiful and safe, gone outside with a book with a weirdo hero in it, fact or fiction doesn’t matter, and imagined that I was getting on my horse and that I would live to look and learn and ride another day. You are brave. No matter what, you are brave. At the moment I am going to recommend Sex and Disability edited by Robert McGruer and Anna Mollow, Ring of Fire (zines or anthology) by ET Russian (fka Hellery Homosex), anything by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna Samarasinha ever, The End of San Francisco by Matthilda Bernstein Sycamore, Lessons in Taxidermy by Bee Lavender, Jazz by Toni Morrison (for one of the best descriptions of not being able to picture your own body having sex I’ve ever heard), Pride and Pain by Eli Clare, and on the changeable bodies in the fairytale world: Kissing the Witch: Old Tales in New Skins by Emma Donoghue and The Bloody Chamber by Angela Carter.

As you are navigating communicating lovingly, firmly, patiently, and accurately about yourself and your sexuality with new dates and lovers, make sure you are also carving out sexual time with you yourself and you. This can look like lying on whatever surface is comfortable with music and candles or strings lights and breathing into the nooks and crannies of yourself. This could sound like talking dirty to yourself. This could smell like taking off your own underwear and noticing, just noticing you and letting it turn you on.

Give yourself room to experiment and let others know that you are learning and relearning about your body and sexuality and how it all fits with new information you have about your gender and your disability and your desires. If they are worth having sex with, they will be willing to learn, even for a night, and they will probably even admit that they are learning about themselves too.

Don’t settle for less, even from a casual date. You can have a hot jerk off session without them, for real. You are never a deception. I know that as trans people and disabled people, we get used to hearing that we are not what somebody expected. But guess what? We are a beautiful surprise. And next time, they better get themselves ready.

The right kinds of sexual partners will not necessarily do everything right all at once, but will have room for their own growth. And they will ask questions, and they will listen. And chances are, they will have more than one body nuance of their own. I think that verbose and free and queerly used dating sites like OkCupid are great because you get to say a lot about yourself and read a lot about a person. I also wouldn’t rule out Tumblr flirting, or meeting someone at a really good party, at a museum, on the street. Chance occasional encounters are just that — chance and occasional — but don’t get discouraged! And don’t worry about limiting yourself by having high standards. Build your body love by writing and speaking and singing your truth to yourself and others and reading and listening to people that share your experience and an ethos and standards around how you want to be treated will follow! We need self-love, and we need standards for how we let others engage with us, we got magic to protect. Please come and visit me anytime, I’ll have more for you when you ask!

xo Lyric


Dear Lyric,
How do you most efficiently waste nonprofit hourly pay?

Please include the most mundane, infuriating-to-boss details should they ever find out.

Luv,
Another Overnight Shift Nonprofit Worker

Heat of the Night Worker!

I would recommend porn perusing, however I have a very real fear of sexual harassment charges, so I’m not really suggesting that. I can’t even visit my own blog at work. But! Perusing high erotic art is a close second and is, I would think, totally fine. In fact, change the desktop photo to something gay. My other suggestions are: write a comical blog documenting everything you do at work, including but not limited to, picking your nose, dancing on chairs, and sexting a cutie. Sexting. I also always recommend sexting. Also if you have a laptop you can totally look at porn. And take gratuitous selfies showing all the emotions of a graveyard shift worker. Call this artistic series, “faces in the heat of the night shift”. Also try to find Stephen King’s mailing or email address and write him solely from work, trying to engage him on the topic of his seminal short story collection: Night Shift. Introduce as many conspiracies theories as possible. Try to get him or his publicist to write you back at work.

xo Lyric



Dear Lyric,
What is sex? What. Is? Sex?
- Anonymous

Sexual Querent!

I don’t know. Sex is a cultural and societal concept that has been commodified and repackaged and sold as many different things. Some say sex is desire, some say sex is biological, some say sex is power. I believe that sex is a medium, an artistic, spiritual, and fleshy one, through which we can learn about ourselves and how we wish to be alive. Sex is not necessarily fucking, and you do not have to fuck frequently or ever at all to be a sexual person. Sex will not liberate us all by itself, because our own personal ethics, conduct, desire, dreams, and perspective.

Sex negativity is valid. Sex positivity is valid. The only thing we have to lose is shame. I think that no matter what sex is, shame is its melancholy, iconic, quiet, elusive, and incredibly important counterpart. Sex also might be Jennifer Lawrence. Or a dinosaur. Let me know if you find out!

xo Lyric


There are no questions in the lands of love and lust too narrow or too vast. Keep it coming babes! I’m listening. Comment below or email listentolyric@gmail.com to ask your questions! You can also contact via Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram (selkiesonthetide).

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Holidays are Awesome!

Pink-White-Holiday-2014
Wishing you happy holidays, and a bright and shining New Year from the gang at Pink & White Productions, PinkLabel.tv and CrashPadSeries.com!

- Shine Louise Houston (Founder/Director), Shae Voyeur (Co-Director), Shawn (Co-Producer/Editor), Jiz Lee (Online Marketing Director), Chris Lowrance (Web Developer), Liz (Accountant), Lex (Videographer), and Tristan Crane (Photographer).

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