Lyric Explains it All! We launched “Slumber Party“, a sex/relationship/life-advice column by the one and only Lyric Seal. Read Lyric’s past posts. Though Lyric is taking a short break, they had a moment to address one more question:
Dear Lyric,
I reunited with an old lover and it felt good in every way. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in 6 or 7 years. I’m moving out in the fall close to where he lives now (for a totally unrelated reason) and we are kinda planning on dating when I get there. What’s your advice for loving the nostalgic parts of this but moving on and knowing each other as we are now? Has anything like this ever happened to you?
Time-Sensitive!
How exquisite.
I know this question has been stewing on my back burner for a minute now, but luckily, it seems like this is a longer term question which you are taking time with as well. First of all, congratulations on a successful reunion with an old flame! That in and of itself is something to be celebrated and given space. I have not had the experience of reuniting with a former lover in a romantic or sexual sense. I have however had a former love who I had not spoken to (they had stopped speaking to me on rather sordid terms) for four years, reconnect with me, and now we are slowly engaging as Internet pen pals, getting to know each other and catching up as we go. I think that for you, the most important part to keep in mind, is that you are not resuming an old relationship, but creating a new one.
You may have beautiful or difficult memories come up, in the course of getting to know one another again, and you may want to share these with each other. But it is not just that your relationship and potentially ways of relating are new — you are new. After seven years, all of the cells of your body have turned over. You are, in essence, a new being.
When processing surfacing feelings about past events for myself, whether pleasant or traumatic, I try to remember, “These are old feelings in a new body.” Your body and wisdom are new, they are you, and you have both grown immensely in the time that you have been apart. If you feel compelled to share this new person that you are, with someone you once loved differently and now perhaps love anew, then also foster willingness in yourself to receive ways that he has changed and grown.
I think it’s totally okay to be nostalgic. Share memories! Retrace steps. Be tender with your old bones and growing muscles and stretching skin. I think maybe if you want to have something to watch out for — be aware if you find yourself trying to recreate a dynamic in a way that doesn’t feel natural.
It makes sense, in the beginning, to search for a familiar feeling, and some of that familiar feeling may be evident, but as you go, just relax and enjoy the relationship as it is created. I’m glad to hear that you are moving to the area he lives in for reasons unrelated, and I think it’s helpful to stay focused on what brings you joy independent from this new or old relationship. No matter what happens with your relationship, I think it’s beautiful that you were able to reconvene in a way that felt validating, positive, and invigorating. That will always be a true moment. Good luck, love hard, and be well.
xo Lyric
Catch Lyric Seal’s workshop, “Slumber Party” on self esteem, loving relationships, and self love solidarity at the Northwest Women of Color Conference at University of Oregon in Eugene on May 2nd. This will be a POC and feminist centralized space but all genders (not just women-identified) are welcome.
