Another Pink and White Production
Crash Pad Blog

Sex, Money and Monogamy

Sakura Matsuri 2013 Tokyo

It’s been just over 8 years since I first began shooting porn. In 2005 I began shooting for a fetish wrestling site and also did my first queer porn shoot for Pink & White ProductionsThe Crash Pad. There was a great momentum to life as queer porn in the Bay Area began to take flight. Feature length films, running this web series out of my Mission apartment, sex parties, multiple relationships at the same time and travel… the velocity of things was incredible, but there came a time to take a step back. My private life being so closely mixed with my work, all these relationships process… I guess I felt burnt out, self care is incredibly important so I decided to take a year long break from my state side life and travel the world in 2010. Porn and polyamory would have to wait, so I packed my bags and left, living in three different countries and visiting a few other ones in between.

My time traveling was wonderful and each place I visited was incredibly special. A Saturn Returns to the fullest, my life was forever changed by this. I unplugged myself from the internet, went on adventures, had a near death experience and fell deeply in love like I’ve never been, thus beginning an international love affair with Tokyo. Little did I know this was only the beginning of my travels.

Photo by Tosaki Miwa, from Japan's 1st book on BOIS "Tokyo BOIS! " , when I met my girlfriend who edited it.

Photo by Tosaki Miwa, from Japan’s 1st book on BOIS “Tokyo BOIS! ” , when I met my girlfriend who edited it.

I met Yuki during my year of travel while I was living in Tokyo. She founded TokyoWrestling.com, Japan’s First Lesbian & Queer Culture Webzine and I was immediately attracted to her piercing wit and intelligence. I told her all about the life I lead in the States and my porn career. Yuki had never dated a sex worker before and wasn’t very familiar with porn. This marked our first Summer of love and we spent every week-end together exploring the humid and hazy streets of Shinjuku Ni-chome, Tokyo’s gay district. My life was incredibly beautiful. Everyday had this lightness to it that surfaces when you remove all the bullshit. It was one of the first times I felt truly grounded. Some of the most valuable moments I discovered were the simple moments of the day; cooking, drinking tea, reading a good book, working out and spending time with her.

My homecoming was quiet and I spent my 30th birthday at work and then with a small group of friends. My life was no longer cluttered with dates, processing, shooting and monthly trips to LA. I striped away the excess and found the essential. Porn fell by the wayside and I spent more focused time with my girlfriend traveling to and from Tokyo, and becoming monogamous for the first time since I had started porn. As a result, I took an extended break from shooting. Focusing all my attention and intentions on her was important to me because it was a method of strengthening our connection and love. I realized that a big portion of my life had been about doing things because I could, but this was about doing something that I wanted to do. There is this immense sense of clarity that emerged and a revealed new love, distinctly different and sincerer than before. It’s far beyond the intoxication of youthful reveries, and I am not sure I can give it a just explanation. It’s a feeling and knowing that she’s the one for me.

Of course the only constant in life is change and this year marked significant ones.

Just got tattooed, my girlfriend's name

Just got tattooed, my girlfriend’s name

Yuki and I see each other every 1-2 months between the Bay Area, Tokyo and Europe: frequent international travel does not leave a lot of career options open. The opportunity to shoot again arose, however it was still an unfamiliar territory for her. She didn’t know how she felt about it just yet.

We spent a great deal of time talking about this, about its potential impact on our relationship, fears and assets. In the end, we found boundaries we both agreed with and decided to give it a shot. We set up general guidelines to ensure that both her and I feel safe emotionally and physically. I always ask her if she’s ok with shoots prior to confirming so what you now see online is a scene or co-stars she feels ok with. This is one of the ways we build trust.

I am often asked how my partner feels about me performing in porn movies. I know for us, doing this requires that we put in more communication time to unravel some of the complications sex work can place on a relationship. It’s important to recognize this as boundaries are created for myself and my work. It’s important for each of us to be heard as well as listen. It’s a collaboration not a compromise where the ability to differentiate the essential from the excess is key. This process requires clarity and trust, and I can say things have never been so clear.

So it is here where I have found myself, a monogamous porn performer. Some people asked me “how it was possible to be monogamous, while having sex with other people?” For me, monogamy is about emotional commitment and having an established relationship with one person. To me, what truly defines the character of a relationship is our commitment to each other. And outside porn, I don’t have sex with other people than her. I have finally found someone who I want to solely focus with full emotional commitment. This is how I define myself as monogamous, and I am beyond thrilled to live with her, in the same country sometime, which is another story.

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