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Crash Pad Blog

Queer Porn Saved My Life.

by Sloane

No, I’m not being facetious. I was born 24 years ago in a rural farming town with a population of about 1600. A baby pageant queen and female child of two former stoners, I was lucky enough to grow up in a small but very liberal household bubble. Stepping outside the front door was an entirely different situation. I somehow survived without any physical violence or direct verbal abuse, but I heard the whispers. I was written off as someone who would always be relegated to the outskirts of what was normal.

Fast-forward about 10 years. I long ago left my one-horse hometown for a much larger midwestern city. I have learned to love my queerness and everything that makes me different. I have loved hard and lost hard. But through most of my journey, I still felt disconnected from something deep inside. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but calling myself a lesbian didn’t fit, though I connected with and loved my lesbian friends. I started referring to myself almost exclusively as a dyke, and that felt a bit more like home.

Jake, Lorelei, and Donna

Then, just about 3 years ago, I discovered Shine’s queer porn website, crashpadseries.com. I still remember the first episode I watched with my then and current girlfriend. It was Jake, Princess Donna, and Lorelei Lee’s super hot threesome episode. I remember the heat and the rush of watching Jake. I remember my face burning, my pulse quickening. I realize now what I was feeling; he was me, but he was in focus. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw a blur. It was the first time I had seen a transman in action and it caused something in me to click into place like never before.

I don’t want to give the impression that I had some eureka moment, and all the puzzle pieces that had so long been jumbled suddenly fit. That isn’t at all the case. Here and now, three years later, I still struggle. I still sometimes see a blurry version of myself in the mirror. Without someone like Shine Louise Houston, who turns the spotlight to the people on the fringes, to those who are beautiful in a different way, to those straddling the line of what is male and what is female, to those who have left behind lives of hurt and confusion to grow into their own focused version of themselves…without people like Shine, I don’t know that I would be here. I thank the powers that be everyday for giving me another chance and for teaching me that, like many of the Crash Pad stars, I too can become the me I want, sharp, in focus, and finally in love with everything that I am.

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